Missing Mom...
Grief has a funny way of working on people. Everyone deals with it differently and in my opinion there is no wrong or right way in which to grieve. My family recently lost one of the most caring, loving and faithful members, my Mom. Mom, had recently broken her hip and sustained a full hip replacement procedure followed by intended rehab. On the day she was to be released from the hospital her vitals began to take a turn and long story short, ended up enduring another surgery for a perforated colon. After that surgery she was put on life support and after careful deliberation the family decided it was best to remove her from the support where she quickly slipped away from us into the loving arms of God.
Sometimes in life and before having to go through the loss of a family member, you can find yourself in the middle of a conversation about dying and the topic always seems to lead to the question: Would it be "easier" to have a loved one die suddenly or is it easier on the family if you know that someone is going to die in a matter of time? Having never been in that position I never really knew the answer. And to this day I don't think I really have an answer still. However I do know that going through a very unexpected death is at best a surreal experience. Looking back on it, I feel like it was an out of body experience, wracked with many moments of "this can't really be happening", "how could this be happening" and more importantly "why is this happening"?
Not a day goes by that I don't see her image in my mind, images of her on life support, images of her immediately following her death, and the last image of her in the casket. Not the images that I want to remember, so I force my mind to go to a better place. And lucky for me, I do not have to reach that far back in time as I was fortunate to have some great "unknown" last days in which to draw some awesome conversations, some awesome just her and I time, and times that I consider real gifts!
For example, one week prior was spent at a youth basketball game where my nephew Jake played his heart out and we were there to see it together. Right after the game I stopped at the grocery store and the first thing I saw was this big bag of McIntosh apples (my Mom's favorite) so I put them in my cart with plans to share right after my shopping trip. I stopped by her house where she was fixing lunch and washed two apples, cut them and sat with her as we enjoyed their crunchy and sweet taste. We laughed over some recent conversations, talked about rearranging her lower kitchen shelves so she could better reach items, took a tour of the garage freezer and discussed my Father's penchant for keeping lots of thing stored in the garage.
I marveled at how excited she was to have all her ingredients for making her chili that would be entered into the chili cook-off the next day. We wondered who would win this year...
The next day, was cook-off day. Mom proudly presented her chili recipe and made sure I knew which number her crockpot was so that I could get a taste. Of course, I took her up on the request and thought it to be delicious! We sat a a big table surrounded by family and friends (just the way she liked it) and visited for several hours. She even got to meet the parents of our son's fiance whom she enjoyed meeting. Neither one of us won, but that didn't matter. It never did!
The next day was the day of the "fall". That evening as we sat together in the emergency room, she joked about things and had such a wonderful, positive outlook. Just considered this another set-back but was bound and determined to make it a positive. Two days later we spent several hours together in the hospital where we enjoyed great conversation, shared laughs, ordered dinner, ate every last bit of that dinner, noted her newly manicured nails, an overall great visit under the circumstances. We spoke on the phone the next couple of days as I was headed out of town and she wished me safe travels and the promise the be careful and have fun. The last time I saw my Mom was following the second surgery, on life-support. The good times and good images stop there.
Looking back, I consider that last week a week of gifts, as I was able to really connect with my Mom on a different level. I was able to really see her strengths as she faced enduring another long road of recovery. I saw in her the strong commitment to faith that she had. I saw her family rally around and was touched by their individual strengths. I'm not sure still if it's better to know or not know. What I do know is that you should never take any day for granted, you should always keep close to those you love, you should always look for the good in people and you should thank god for every moment that you can spend with the people you care about and you should tell them each and every day how much you love and appreciate them!
I miss my Mom, every.single.day. And still can't believe that she is gone. Heaven has gained a beautiful human being, one that can sing and dance like crazy. One that is sharing time with her parents and brother. One that is looking down on us everyday, touching us with her goodness, kindness and love.
Sometimes in life and before having to go through the loss of a family member, you can find yourself in the middle of a conversation about dying and the topic always seems to lead to the question: Would it be "easier" to have a loved one die suddenly or is it easier on the family if you know that someone is going to die in a matter of time? Having never been in that position I never really knew the answer. And to this day I don't think I really have an answer still. However I do know that going through a very unexpected death is at best a surreal experience. Looking back on it, I feel like it was an out of body experience, wracked with many moments of "this can't really be happening", "how could this be happening" and more importantly "why is this happening"?
Not a day goes by that I don't see her image in my mind, images of her on life support, images of her immediately following her death, and the last image of her in the casket. Not the images that I want to remember, so I force my mind to go to a better place. And lucky for me, I do not have to reach that far back in time as I was fortunate to have some great "unknown" last days in which to draw some awesome conversations, some awesome just her and I time, and times that I consider real gifts!
For example, one week prior was spent at a youth basketball game where my nephew Jake played his heart out and we were there to see it together. Right after the game I stopped at the grocery store and the first thing I saw was this big bag of McIntosh apples (my Mom's favorite) so I put them in my cart with plans to share right after my shopping trip. I stopped by her house where she was fixing lunch and washed two apples, cut them and sat with her as we enjoyed their crunchy and sweet taste. We laughed over some recent conversations, talked about rearranging her lower kitchen shelves so she could better reach items, took a tour of the garage freezer and discussed my Father's penchant for keeping lots of thing stored in the garage.
I marveled at how excited she was to have all her ingredients for making her chili that would be entered into the chili cook-off the next day. We wondered who would win this year...
The next day, was cook-off day. Mom proudly presented her chili recipe and made sure I knew which number her crockpot was so that I could get a taste. Of course, I took her up on the request and thought it to be delicious! We sat a a big table surrounded by family and friends (just the way she liked it) and visited for several hours. She even got to meet the parents of our son's fiance whom she enjoyed meeting. Neither one of us won, but that didn't matter. It never did!
The next day was the day of the "fall". That evening as we sat together in the emergency room, she joked about things and had such a wonderful, positive outlook. Just considered this another set-back but was bound and determined to make it a positive. Two days later we spent several hours together in the hospital where we enjoyed great conversation, shared laughs, ordered dinner, ate every last bit of that dinner, noted her newly manicured nails, an overall great visit under the circumstances. We spoke on the phone the next couple of days as I was headed out of town and she wished me safe travels and the promise the be careful and have fun. The last time I saw my Mom was following the second surgery, on life-support. The good times and good images stop there.
Looking back, I consider that last week a week of gifts, as I was able to really connect with my Mom on a different level. I was able to really see her strengths as she faced enduring another long road of recovery. I saw in her the strong commitment to faith that she had. I saw her family rally around and was touched by their individual strengths. I'm not sure still if it's better to know or not know. What I do know is that you should never take any day for granted, you should always keep close to those you love, you should always look for the good in people and you should thank god for every moment that you can spend with the people you care about and you should tell them each and every day how much you love and appreciate them!
I miss my Mom, every.single.day. And still can't believe that she is gone. Heaven has gained a beautiful human being, one that can sing and dance like crazy. One that is sharing time with her parents and brother. One that is looking down on us everyday, touching us with her goodness, kindness and love.
Love & Prayers
ReplyDeleteMany many tears reading your beautiful post. I love you, Mom! She loved you like crazy, too.
ReplyDelete